


One more Birthday alone

by Molliartytho



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Cute Babies in Love, M/M, and birthday stuff, and bucky barnes needs him like he needs oxygen, and i regret nothing, angsty at the beginning, but then fluff, steve rogers is actually the cutest cupcake, wrote this for the angst queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 17:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5674675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molliartytho/pseuds/Molliartytho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve never was one for parties but maybe this year a party for two is alright</p>
            </blockquote>





	One more Birthday alone

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my friend for her birthday.   
> Happy birthday! Hope this doesn't ruin your day

When Steve first woke up it took a long time for his brain to catch up with what happened. He had been asleep for a long time.

He figured out how to use most of the appliances in his kitchen, figured out how to work the tv and dvd player, and after working on it for a little while one day he learned how to actually turn his iPod on so he could listen to the music Natasha and Tony had uploaded onto it for him.

None of those things, however, helped him to figure out what he was supposed to do with the fact that Bucky was gone. How to deal with his ptsd that he wouldn’t talk about and his broken heart.

He had to live every day of this new life remembering that horrible day when he _wasn’t fast enough_.

Had to live with the fact that he couldn’t save the one person who had always seen him as a hero, as a stupid punk from Brooklyn, as a person. Everyone saw him as a hero now, but Bucky? Bucky had always known it, and Steve hadn’t been able to save him.

He hadn’t been Captain America to Bucky, he’d been Steve Rogers. He missed just being the Steve Rogers to his Bucky Barnes instead of the Captain America to the Winter Soldier.

Nothing in the future could help him get over how much he missed James Buchanan Barnes.

He missed the way they used to sit together and do nothing, but still enjoy each other’s company.

He missed the way Bucky’d hold him when he was sick. The way he’d tilt his head up and help him drink some water and call him a punk for fighting with him about it.

He missed the way Bucky would look at him and say _“Rogers you dumbass_ ,” when he did something stupid, and then help him fix it.

He missed his laugh. And his eyes. And his voice.

Steve missed how excited Bucky would get when they went to some science fair downtown. Steve didn’t remember any of the science, just how happy it’d made his fella. How it’d made his whole face light up and how he rambled on for days afterwards about how one day that’d be him up there doing something amazing for the world.

Steve knew he was already amazing and now the world was worse off without him.

He missed how Bucky would get home from work all tired and dead on his feet, but still pull Steve up from the couch and insist on “ _One dance Stevie c’mon how can you say no to this face?”_

He missed the good days, the bad days and every day in between.  

His whole body ached for just one more day with him. The one person he loved more than anything else.

His heart still hurts when he sees people with Bucky’s hair color.

Or when he draws a picture and turns to show Bucky, just like he always would, but Bucky isn’t there with that grin already looking over his shoulder telling him how amazing it is.

He missed getting tackled to the ground gently when Bucky was in a playful mood and them wrestling for a little while.

Steve’s face falls when he says something funny and expects to hear that snort of laughter and is instead met with silence.

He missed the way Bucky called him Stevie.

He has to quickly stop himself when he opens his mouth to call out for Bucky in the night and remembers that he’s not there.

He throws himself into dangerous situations because maybe one of these times he’ll get hurt enough to die, and maybe he’ll get to see Bucky again.

He goes from mostly numb to agonizingly sad when he sees his face in old pictures or in videos.

Steve missed sitting outside at one in the morning on July 4th while everyone else celebrated the country and freedom and Bucky reminding him that it was a day for him to be celebrated too.

He missed the secret touches, the looks, the whispers.

He missed holding him close and the feeling of his heartbeat speeding up when he did.

Steve didn’t know how the future was supposed to heal his broken heart. He doubted they could even if they tried.

* * *

 

Steve Rogers wasn’t one for parties. He never had been.

Way back in the day he had always been the outcast. The small guy who none of the dames wanted to dance with. The runt of the group who always started a fight whenever he went out.

Bucky eventually had made a deal with him. If Steve would come out with him, let him dance for a little while at any party for any holiday then he’d give it to him good when they finally got back to their apartment.

Steve didn’t have a hard time agreeing to that back in the 30’s and 40’s but now it was just another thing for him to miss here in the future.

An excuse for him to sit alone in his apartment, curled up by the fireplace and stare out the window.

For three years he did this for almost every party he was invited to. He went out and bought something Bucky would have liked to drink for that holiday and then he would sit at home drinking alone and wishing it’d at least make him forget for a night that he is, in fact, all alone.

The only time he ever cries about him is on Bucky’s birthday. He actually goes out for this one.

Sits alone at a bar, orders two of Bucky’s favorite drink, drinks his and tunes everything else out for just a minute as he makes a wish for his best guy before going home and collapsing onto the floor in tears.

Bucky being gone was the worst thing that had ever happened to him and he would never ever forgive himself.

Sometimes people would ask him what he missed most about his old life. And every time he’d tell them he missed his best friend. He didn’t care about how it sounded or how he looked, he told the truth because he needed someone to know.

Every year on Steve’s birthday he would go out and do his Captain America thing for whatever news station had him booked that year and then he would go home and he’d sit alone in his apartment and sketch another picture of Bucky before curling up in his bed to await another long night of no sleep. He’d wish himself a happy birthday and look at the picture of Bucky he had on his nightstand for a while before he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He missed Bucky. So much it ached and even after this long the feeling hadn’t gone away.

His birthday this year was different. Only a few months before it he had found out that Bucky was alive. Steve knew he was different and been brainwashed and Sam had tried to talk to him about how his best friend really wasn’t there anymore but all Steve knew was that Bucky was alive.

Bucky was alive and a prisoner and Steve had another shot at saving him.

But he wasn’t making it easy and Steve supposed he deserved it because he had been the one to let him fall in the first place.

Steve was a little frustrated that he hadn’t made more progress with getting him back and getting him help. He had been away from New York for almost six months looking for Bucky and the first day he was back was July 4th. Ironic that no one but Sam even acknowledged it was his birthday this year.

 His birthday was upon him and he had things he had to do. He didn’t even have time to go home first, he stopped at the tower so he could get all the info he needed for his busy day. He got all dressed up in his Captain America uniform and put on his camera ready smile and did his thing that he did every year.

It was getting old and Steve was tired. People looked at him and saw this big strong leader who was a hero.

He wished people would just see him as Steve Rogers the little punk from Brooklyn that didn’t like bullies, loved to draw, and make people ~~mostly Bucky~~ smile, Steve Rogers who hated the cameras and the lights and the disguise he had to put on, because he hadn’t been himself for a very long time. Not since Bucky fell.

He was feeling tired, ready to go home and drink to himself and wish Bucky was there with him to tell him that he didn’t have to put on his Captain America mask with him.

He walked home after meeting up with Sam to talk about the now dead-ends they had on Bucky. Sam tried to give him a ride home, but the night air was cool and he wanted to be alone for a while so Sam didn’t push it.

He loved Sam for that.

Steve thought the whole way back to his small apartment about the things he missed. The things he longed to have again that he never could. Maybe he should let it all go, but that was easier said than done.

He was just so tired, just wanted Bucky to come back and to remember him. He was willing to do whatever it took.

When he walked up the two flights of stairs to his floor and opened the door he knew something was off. There was a light on in the kitchen and music was playing and he knew he hadn’t left any on. He’d been away for so long there shouldn’t have been anything going on in there.

Carefully he held his shield up in front of him and shut the door slowly before turning the lights on in the living room.

His breath caught in his throat at what he saw. There were way too many red, white, and blue streamers all hanging up around his living room and a banner hung up in the doorway that read “Happy Birthday, Punk.”

He turned and what he saw both intrigued him and scared him a little.

“Bucky…” he breathed out, dropped his shield by the door and took two steps closer to the brunet.

Bucky was wearing a red ‘kiss the cook’ apron, stirring something in a bowl and swaying his hips to whatever music he had on the radio. He turned and pointed at Steve with the spoon from the bowl as he started talking.

“Stevie, you have shit taste in music now you know that? I deleted almost every song on your iPod. Also it’s a damn good thing you’re here for your birthday because I was startin to worry you’d never come home and….”

Steve stumbled into the kitchen, took the bowl from his hands and tossed it onto the counter so he could pull him into the tightest hug ever. Tears stung at his eyes because he sounded just like his Bucky, he didn’t even have it in him to be cautious.

“Bucky.”  Steve’s voice sounded small and broken and like he was suppressing some emotions.

Bucky just stood there for a minute, slowly letting his arms come up and wrap around him, swallowing his own tears away.

“Yeah, doll. I’m here. Took me a while, but I remember a lot…remember you. Wanted to come to you sooner, but…” He lets that hang there as Steve hugs him closer

“You remembered my birthday.” Steve says quietly into his neck, not letting him breathe the hug was so tight. He’s hugging him like if he lets go Bucky might be gone again and he never wants that to happen ever again.

“Course I did. Most important day of the year. Day Steve Rogers was born.” Bucky replies softly, not minding the tight hug one bit as he feels the tears come to his eyes and he doesn’t want Steve to see them anyways.

Steve starts shaking and Bucky can feel the tears falling down his cheeks.

“I missed you.” Steve chokes out holding onto him even tighter.

“I missed you so much.” Steve’s voice breaks and it makes him sound just as small and fragile as he used to actually be.

Bucky’s grip gets tighter and Steve doesn’t even care that it’s restricting his breathing enough that it hurts.

He never needs to breathe again because Bucky’s there with him.

“I know you did, punk. Haven’t stopped lookin for me for months… thought you were never going to come back home. Didn’t you know that’s where I’d be waitin for you?” he asked voice full of emotion.

Steve doesn’t let go of him for a very long time, in fact it’s such a long time that something beeps and Bucky tries to move away from him to push the stop button and Steve makes the saddest most broken noise that he has to stop himself from moving because he never wants to hear Steve do something like that ever again.

“Stevie m’tryin to finish your birthday cake so you gotta let go of me. It’s alright I’m not going anywhere. I mean I was even thinkin I could stay here tonig…”

“Where else would you go Bucky? This is home. You’re stayin with me.” Steve interrupts him quietly. He slowly let Bucky pull away and his lip trembled just a little bit

“Can’t believe you’re here…Been lookin all over the world for you. Trying to get you back, get you help…”

“Yeah well I wasn’t in the right mindset to let anyone help me...not even you. But…” Bucky turned to get the now slightly burnt cake out of the oven and started explaining how he’d gotten some help from some friends and how he wasn’t doing so horrible anymore. He started to apologize to Steve for everything and Steve stopped him.

“Nothing you did was your fault. It was all Hydra and I’m working on getting rid of them. All of them.” Steve said with a firm voice like nothing could sway him from that decision.

Bucky finished frosting his cake and everything went quiet for a few moments. It was tension filled because they were both thinking similar things.

Steve was thinking that he was so glad Bucky was back he didn’t even care if he didn’t want to get back together, he just wanted him safe and with him. He was thinking that he wanted nothing more than to kiss him and hold him tight, but he wasn’t sure if he could so he kept his arms tight to his side. It was the biggest struggle he’d ever had to deal with.

Bucky was thinking he wasn’t good enough for Steve, never had been. But the way the punk looked right now, looked at him like he was the best thing that’d ever walked the earth and he was so happy to see him. Bucky wanted to kiss him, they used to do that didn’t they? Some memories were a little fuzzy but he thinks that’s what they did. Bucky bit his lip a little as he thought about, just like he used to and Steve couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Bucky opened his mouth to ask Steve if they had but Steve stepped forward and kissed him before he even could.

It took Bucky all of a second to step into the kiss, wrap an arm around his waist and pull him close. His muscle memory was not failing him even eighty years and a lot of brainwashing later.

Steve grabbed onto the back of his neck and held him close. They kissed until they absolutely needed to breathe and Steve had the nerve to look shy like maybe he thought Bucky hadn’t wanted him to do that so, Bucky just kissed him again and again until the only look on Steve’s face when he pulled away was a dazed happy look.

They took a minute to actually catch their breath.

“Fuck Stevie…Didn’t think you’d want me like… I mean it’s been so long I thought you’d have moved on or found some nice dame and settled down…”

Steve cupped his face gently and pressed the softest kiss to his lips to shut him up, he’s always so gentle even in this big body with all those muscles, so damn gentle it made Bucky’s whole body tremble.

“Not worth it. No one’s you Buck. And I know it’s not gunna be easy and you’ll have bad days and nights just like I do…But I’m not letting you go again. It’s the only birthday present I want for the rest of my life. I want you to stay with me.” He says quietly and rests their foreheads together.

Bucky’s bottom lip was trembling and he closed his eyes tight.

“Stevie I’ve done some bad stuff. Hydra fucked me up pretty bad and I don’t want you to think you gotta deal with that, so… don’t say you want me when you don’t know what you’re signing up for.”

“Yes I do. I signed up for it a long time ago. My turn to follow you Buck. I’ve never been one to give up on people so you’d better get used to it. I chased you for six months if I have to keep doin it I will.” Steve responds in a firm voice, pulling back to look at him.

He had that stupid look on his face that Bucky instantly recognized as his stubborn punk look and nothing Bucky could say would talk him out of it.

“Yeah?” he asks quietly

“Yeah.” Steve affirms and kisses him again, holding him like he won’t ever be letting go again.

Bucky doesn’t really mind until he remembers what day it is and pulls away to say

“Stevie I’m not one for fireworks but if you wanna celebrate your birthday that way…”

“I’ve always hated fireworks. I don’t even need to celebrate… I got you back that’s all I wanted.”

Bucky lets out that snort of laughter that he’s missed so much and Steve’s heart flutters a little hearing it.

“As sappy as ever Rogers. So how are we gunna celebrate other than eating this cake I made for you and you makin fun of how many streamers I put up. There were that many in the little package Steve, you know I had to use them all!”

Steve can’t help his laugh and Bucky’s smiling as he does. That’s all he wants is Steve to be happy.

They spend the night eating the burnt cake and Steve tells him all about what’s going on in the world today and Bucky lets himself feel safe and okay for a little while. This year Steve got to spend his birthday with Bucky again and it was the best birthday he’d had in a long time.


End file.
